


Not Your Fault

by Nikka001



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Birthday Party, F/M, Family Feels, Makeup, Miscarriage, Post-Break Up, Team as Family
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-08
Updated: 2020-02-08
Packaged: 2021-02-28 03:22:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,909
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22606954
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nikka001/pseuds/Nikka001
Summary: The loss of ones dearest is a loss felt for the ages,
Relationships: Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr./Amanda Rollins, Olivia Benson & Amanda Rollins
Comments: 17
Kudos: 25





	Not Your Fault

**Author's Note:**

> Heres another little Rollisi thing I whipped up last night. I literally stayed up until almost 6:30 because I just had to get it all down before I forgot. 
> 
> That being said, this story is the complete opposite of my original idea so please forgive me for the angst that I have written. 
> 
> Also, a trigger warning is in place as this fic does deal with a very hard topic and I plead with you to read the tags before reading on. 
> 
> Now then, enjoy!
> 
> -Nikka

* * *

She watches him enter the room and the sudden warm feeling that fills her is gone in an instant when she sees the tall brunette at his side, her fingers laced with his and holding tight. They’re smiling together when they come through the door and she has to fight the bile she can feel in the back of her throat. He looks happier than she’s seen him in a long time and it hurts that it’s not with her. She tries not to dwell on the past but it’s hard when she has to stand here and watch him be happy with someone else. She can’t take it anymore. 

Muttering an excuse to Liv about needing to use the restroom, Amanda holds her cup close to her chest to keep it from sloshing around as she pushes past the people cluttered up behind her and makes her way towards the back of the bar. She keeps her eyes trained on the floor while maintaining her current objective to find the nearest exit. She’s almost successful when she feels someone grab at her shoulder. Her instincts kick in and she whirls around, the contents of her cup splashing onto the person now in front of her.

“Rollins, what the hell?” Carisi snaps, his white shirt now soaked through with what smells like bourbon and a look of surprise written across his face. 

Amanda opens her mouth to apologize but nothing comes out. Her eyes scan over the room full of cops and lawyers and her mouth goes dry. They’re all watching as the scene unfolds in front of them, most having already pulled out their phones to record the humiliating ordeal. Finally, her eyes land back on her former partner, his shirt now an odd amber color. She looks up into his eyes to try and communicate how sorry she is but he doesn’t give her a chance. He’s off to the bathrooms faster than she can blink.

* * *

He’s standing at the sink shirtless when she finds him in the restroom a few minutes later, his dress shirt soaking in hot water and the faucet still running. He says nothing as she comes to stand at the sink next to him. Amanda leans back against the counter and grimaces slightly when she feels a small amount of what she’s hoping is water seeping through the skirt of her dress. She shakes it off and somehow manages to find the words to apologize. 

“I’m sorry about ruining your night.”

“Ya know, if you didn’t wanna be here, you didn’t have to come.”

Amanda sighs and runs a hand through her curls. “That’s not it Carisi. Of course I wanna be here--”

“Yeah well, you coulda fooled me. First, you bolt the second I walk in and then, you spill your drink on me.” He twists off the faucet and lets the water drain completely before removing his shirt and ringing it out. She waits patiently for him while he holds the fabric under the hand dryers and chooses not to say anything about the yellowish stains forming along the chest area. 

“What do you want Rollins?” The dryer shuts off and he bangs on the button to make it start back up again, “Cause I don’t think you were really trying to ruin my party.”

“You don’t?” 

He sighs and turns to her with a small smirk playing on his lips. “No. I don’t. I’d like to think I know you well enough to know that you’d never intentionally try and ruin somebody else’s night.”

She ducks her head and smiles, a blush creeping up on her cheeks. “Yeah I uh, I’d like to think that too.”

“So then, what’s going on huh?” Feeling satisfied with the dryness of his shirt, he shrugs it back on and begins buttoning it up. She watches him intently, the way his muscles work as he moves, and she’s so entranced by him that she barely hears the question. It’s only when he catches her staring that she blurts out the one thing that’s on her mind.

“Who is she?”

Carisi stops before he reaches the last button. “What?”

Amanda takes a deep breath and asks it once again, “Who is she? The woman you came with tonight.”

“You mean Melanie?” She nods slightly and gives him a look that says she’s ready for him to explain. Not bothering with the last button, Carisi grabs his jacket from where it lays off to the side next to the sink. “I met her during my classes at Fordham and she wanted to meet up for drinks. When I told her what today was, she asked if she could tag along and I said sure.”

“Oh. So you guys aren’t…” she lets the words trail off, they both know what she’s asking.

He shakes his head at her and moves towards the exit. “You have no right Amanda, no right.” Pulling the door open, he steps back out into the party but this time, Amanda is right on his tail. 

She elbows her way through the crowd to keep up with him and finally manages to catch him when he’s almost halfway to the front doors and only a few feet away from Melanie and the other members of the squad. 

Grabbing him by the arm, she holds him back. “Hey, we’re not done talking.”

“Yes, we are.” He yanks his arm from her grasp but doesn’t make a move to leave.

“No, dammit, we aren’t. What the hell do you mean I have no right? No right for what?”

Carisi takes a step closer and lowers his voice, “Amanda, we are not doing this here.”

“Tell me what the hell you mean!” Her volume cancels everything else out and the party falls silent save for the occasional murmur asking about what’s happening. And she’d like to know the same thing.

He can’t take it and finally snaps. “Why? Why the hell should I tell you when you should already know? You have no right, Amanda. No right at all to judge me for bringing a date to  **my** birthday party. You were the one that decided to end our relationship, remember? Not me. You lied to my face and couldn’t handle the repercussions so you took the easy way out.”

Amanda’s resolve broke and she let the tears she was trying hard to hold back, escape. “That has nothing to do with what happened.”

“It has everything to do with what happened!” Tears well up in his eyes when he yells this time and it breaks Amanda even more. “We lost—we lost our baby and you didn’t tell me about it for a week. You kept it from me. Even when you knew how excited I was and how much I wanted it, you still didn’t tell me.”

Liv and Kat cover their mouths in shock and both women have tears glistening in their eyes. The rest of the room stays silent as the details come to light but collectively, their hearts are breaking for the couple. It was obvious that nobody had any idea what was happening between the two and for good reason. Losing a child wasn’t just something you shared with the world. 

Amanda lets herself cry and sniffles before speaking, her voice smaller than before. “I didn’t know how to tell you. Not after seeing how much work you put into the idea of being a father. It just—it hurt so much.”

Wiping the tears off his face and taking in a shuddering breath, he speaks, “And how do you think I felt? It hurt me too, Amanda. Not just the miscarriage. But the fact that you felt you had to hide it from me for as long as you did. We could’ve been there for each other.”

“I know.”

“But you wouldn’t let me. I had to deal with our loss on my own. Because you wouldn’t let me in.”

She takes a deep breath. “I know that and I’m sorry. I’m sorry I shut you out. I should have told you from the beginning but...I was so afraid.”

Carisi takes another step forward and waits for her to raise her head and look him in the eyes. When she does, he reaches out and wipes away her tears with the pads of his thumbs. “Why were you afraid Amanda?”

“I didn’t want you to hate me for what happened.” 

“Why would I hate you? I could never—”

“Because it’s my fault! Our baby died because of me! Because I was reckless in the field and I took a blow right to the stomach and two days later—” A hiccuping sob racks her body and he immediately pulls her into his arms and holds her tight. He lets her cry into his shoulder and holds onto her tightly, not wanting to let go just yet. 

It’s only when a voice speaks from off to the side that he lifts his head to see Dr. Warner stepping forward, fresh tears on her cheeks. 

“Amanda, sweetheart, you didn’t kill your baby. You couldn’t have.” 

“What do you mean?” Amanda asks through sniffles as she lifts her head and pulls back some from Carisi.

Melinda gives her a sad smile. “Trauma like that wouldn’t have hurt your baby. Especially not so early in the pregnancy. Whatever caused your miscarriage, was not because of you. There was probably nothing you could’ve done.”

Another sob racks her body and she throws her arms around Carisi once more, but this one is out of relief. She’s been holding onto so much guilt for the last six months and now she can let go. He returns the hug but not before mouthing a ‘Thank You’ to Melinda as she steps over to join Olivia, Fin, and Kat near the front. 

They hold each other as tightly as they possibly can, neither ready to let the other one go. Eventually, however, they pull apart, smile at each other and lace their fingers together while making their way over to their squad. Hugs are traded between the group and even more tears are shed between Amanda and Olivia as they embrace each other. 

“I wish you would’ve told me,” Olivia manages to get out through the tears. 

Amanda holds onto her best friend tightly. “I’m sorry Liv. I just couldn’t.”

Olivia steps back and takes Amanda by the shoulders so she can look her directly in the eyes. “I get it, okay? I’m just happy that things are better now. At least, in some ways.” She nods to Carisi who’s deep in conversation with Fin and Kat. 

“Yeah, we’ve got some stuff to talk through first before we decide anything. We’ll just have to wait and see what happens.”

Smiling, Olivia excuses herself to the bar for a refill - lucky her that Lucy has Noah tonight and tomorrow. Amanda laughs at her friend and moves to stand next to Carisi, his arm instantly wrapping around her waist and pulling her close so she’s leaning against him.

He leans down to whisper in her ear, “Melanie left during the fight. Kat said she mentioned something about not being a drama person and then bolted.”

“Hmm.” Amanda smiles up at him. “Her loss then, huh.”

He returns the smile. “Yeah. Her loss.”

* * *

Two years later, Danny Carisi-Rollins, is brought into the world and welcomed by his loving family.


End file.
